whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
