During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
