dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
