I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
