You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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