Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
