hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Randomize
