the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
