She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
It's never too late to be topless.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
