she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
