i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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