Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
