i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
