I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
