There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I'm at about main and main street
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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