I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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