At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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