So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
