I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Randomize
