Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
