I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
