remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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