haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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