at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
