i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
