im having a threesome with these popsicles
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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