I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Vodka?
Forever.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
