in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
pray to the hookup gods
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize