Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
