So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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