oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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