Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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