Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
