Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
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