I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
