Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
