11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
