Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
