I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
