i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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