I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Sorry about my life...
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
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