just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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