The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just threw up on my dentist
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
