Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
