apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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