you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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