3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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