My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
