You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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