Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
