the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
