I accidentally had phone sex last night
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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