guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
