If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
