I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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