why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Randomize
