the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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