Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
