you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
