I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
